Man Decree #1

The Brodiary is a resource for everyone on the subject of men.  As the writer of this blog I feel affronted by a recent annoyance that I must make note to.  The Brodiary hereby pronounces its first decree for all men.

From this day forth, the Brodiary hereby denounces all soaps and lotions that desire to have the effect of smelling like flowers, fruits, herbs or vegetables.  A man may have a series of occupations, but he should always smell like a man.  Even at the youngest of ages, boys that are heavily baby powdered should smell like man-babies. While the smell does not make the man, the man should always make the smell.  Therefore a list of allowed fragrances has been permitted.

The fragrances allowed for men are here as follows: Cool Rush (the smell of the ocean and sand), Midnight Musk (the smell of hard work on a Summer Night), Pancake Syrup (the smell of spilled syrup on a flannel shirt), and most importantly Man (the scent given to every dark colored body wash available).

Men shall not desire to smell of apricots, pineapples, lavender or broccoli.  So it is written, and so it shall be done.

The Best Piece of the Triforce

At this very second, I want you to think about fear.  What does fear mean?  What are you afraid of?  Should a man ever be afraid?

From polarized opinions of men you may get these subsequent answers.

Fear is the feeling someone has that something will go wrong because they are not doing things right.  Men should never be afraid of anything, and the only thing they should fear is not winning.

This is wrong.  This polarized opinion of what a man should be is an awful perversion of the art of being a real man.  Fear is a feeling of impending distress that cannot be avoided.  It can be as small as a quickened heart beat, as loud as bells ringing in ears ears, or as cold as ice water masquerading as sweat.

Fear is not to be toyed with.  Fear is real and anyone who claims to not be afraid of something is probably lying.  Fear is extremely important to being a man for two reasons.  First, fear lets you know that you are alive.  When your stomach feels as if it may implode on itself then you’re either alive or a robot deep in the ocean with a weak stomach.  Secondly, fear must be present for courage to exist.

*Insert audience skeptical looks and “Say What?” like phrases*

Yes indeed, for courage to exist, fear must be present.  Another typical response for men may read that courage is the absence of fear.  Courage relies on a brave heart and an ignorance of obstacles.  This is another myth perpetuated through the study of men.  Courage is the amalgamation of feelings and actions taken in the face of fear.

Courage is something that all men need to possess.  It is a virtue that doesn’t just deserve contemplation, but instead demands action.  It is not the impulsive actions of an ignorant man, nor is it the calculated risk taken when the odds are in one’s favor.  Courage is displayed in actions that follow when things are not certain but most be tried.

Courage asking the girl you really like out on a date.  Courage is standing up for your friend when the overwhelming bully is picking on him.  Courage is putting yourself out there when it seems you are destined to fail.  All men must possess true courage to succeed.

MANpower

The new definition of man is currently wrapped in actions.  Chopping firewood.  Manly  Eating beef jerky.  Manly.  Watching Sportscenter.  Manly.  At any of these activities a distinct nod is paid homage to the protruding Adam’s Apple of any man.  Some activities may require more from a man, or possibly a manlier man.  Lumberjacks, Navy SEALs, and mixed martial arts fighters all knowingly take on professions that call upon their manhood.  Yet, the question lies in what makes these professionals more manly than the average man.

Muscular fortitude is a worthy hypothesis.  Each aforementioned job requires serious physical strength.  However, I would test this muscles theory against many of the women currently participating in the Winter Olympics.

If not serious physical strength, then what makes the man?  I present a scenario that every man will face at least once in his lifetime.  In an always unexpected demand of action a man will be faced with a sixteen ounce jar of pickles.  The man may have faced pickle jars before.  Maybe it was spaghetti sauce or even Concord Grape Jelly.  However, this pickle jar task is different.  The man’s hands are oily from working on a car or gently applying sun-tan lotion to the back of his neck.  The jar has been exposed to a wealth of temperatures causing the glass to expand beyond it’s normal berth and making the rim of the jar hug the cap so tight that one may think they just won the World Series.  Worst of all the circumstances, there is a crowd waiting.  Maybe a certain 7-year old birthday girl who just wants a pickle, a new lady waiting to be shown the simple strength of a man or maybe even a slew of bros who are wary of stepping in to complete another man’s quest.

How does a man win this?  It’s not about washing and drying hands, cooling the jar to make the glass contract or even apologizing to the spectators.  There’s only one thing a man needs to open that jar filled with zombified pickles swimming in vinegar and that thing is willpower.  Triceps as broad as an elephant can fail a man.  With a keen use of willpower any obstacles are easily surmountable.  This is what makes real men.

Willpower should be continuously trained.  It’s not enough to just call upon it in dire moments.  This means that sometimes you’ll have to turn down the boys and not come out the night before a big presentation, continue reading instead of gazing longingly at the red head two tables away and not stalking said red head on Facebook when you should be typing a paper.

Willpower is the weapon the strong at heart.  At the core of many things, being a man means being a leader and being a leader means making tough decisions.  Having true willpower to call upon at any time gives a man the strength he does not know that he will need.  The next time someone says “take heart”, “be strong” or “grow a pair,” remember, they are talking about your willpower.

Don’t Say No, Say Naw!

“Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?”

“No.”

“Can I have another..”

“No.”

“Care to join me for a drink?”

“No.”

“Can you let me slide just this once?”

“No.”

There is a collective of frustration built up over the course of our lives from denial, rejection and utter disappointment.  American society has dictated that a man should be a provider.  That he should reap the spoils of the Earth and share them with those he deems his family.  In return, the man is provided with his most basic of wants.  The occasional silence to watch a sports game on television, a cold beverage after a hard day of work or maybe even a breakfast including bacon on a Sunday morning.  However, the give and take is not always evident.

Sometimes a man is left to find his own reprieve from the trials of the everyday.  But sometimes the beverages are not cold, only little league baseball is on TV and you have to make your own breakfast.  What is a man to do?  Give the world back the very same disappointment it gave him with one very simple word, naw.

You may ask yourself, “What is naw?”  Naw is a wonderful piece of vernacular derived from the word no.  No expresses a immediate rejection.  However,  naw is preliminary to an expression of distaste.  Naw can also be used as an interjection to precede an argumentative point.

Outside of the dictionary definition, naw is a general disdain for the world around a man. Naw represents the backlash of the human male as he is faced with the disappointments associated with finding himself and the rejection of some misfortunes.  It is a battle cry for the the modern man.  It’s the simplest form of saying “we’re not going to take it anymore.”  The longer the naw is drawn out the more rejection it feeds.

So I urge all men to engage in this rebellious act.  When it comes to your happiness, don’t say no, say naw.

“Can I have one of your drinks?”

“Naawww, you can’t have one.  I’ve only got two left and they’re both for me.”

“Will you give me a ride home?”

“Naawwwww, you live on the other side of town!”

(The car won’t start at 8 A.M .)

“Naw, man!  I can’t handle this mess today.”

Statement of Purpose

Today, I looked in the mirror and saw a man.  Not just because of his square shoulders, but because his eyes no longer have a boyish glint.  At some point that man asked himself who is he really and what is he doing here.  That man still does not have an answer.   However, he has a collection of experiences to share with fellows so they may find the answers collectively.  That is the Bro Diary.  A collection of advice meant for laughter that can speak to the truth.

The Bro Diary seeks to find the balance  between the figurative real man and the societal norm real man to create the literal real man.  Brothers, I ask you to join me on this journey.